Planned Parenthood Poster Child
…oops…
Planned Parenthood Poster Old Lady
By Kathleen Hoy Foley
Planned Parenthood needs to thank me for single-handedly
increasing their business significantly in the last two months. I understand there’s been a rush for services
since my story and book, Woman In Hiding, has gotten some press. Evidently, no girl impregnated against her
will wants to be me. I guess there are
better things to look forward to then contending with giant, irate
fifty-year-old babies looking for revenge.
Sticking needles in your eyes comes to mind.
So I am officially offering Planned Parenthood my old lady
mug to use in all future campaigns hawking services. I don’t come cheap. This is not only because of my star power,
but owing to my powerful power in general, which evidently is quite
powerful. I wasn’t aware of this until
the hate mail. I did not know I
possessed the power to make people fat.
It’s good to be informed. Knowing
of my powerful power gives me the upper hand in salary negations. Thank you, haters.
Un-Planned Parenthood, Damn It. Drag out all the old ladies from the pre Roe
v Wade days—the crones with live, buried bodies in their pasts—and pit them
against giant adult babies wearing extra large diapers looking for mama. Picture Grandma Moses battling Sumo wrestlers
sporting huge Onesies.
Using hand knitted shawls as masks to protect their
identities, the old ladies will try to fend off the advancing giant adult babies
with nothing but aluminum walkers and the occasional slice of homemade apple
pie tossed into the bloodthirsty mob as a diversion. Naturally, this will not deter the giant
adult babies, but it will drum up business for Planned Parenthood. Once a few sound bites hit You Tube, we’re
talking going viral. Do I have to think
of everything?
Being the Planned Parenthood Poster Old Lady is a
dream I never aspired to. That proves my
personal failing of shortsightedness.
All along I could have been exploiting the spectacle of my reproductive
nightmare, conniving and scheming my way to the pinnacle of tawdry enterprise,
for which I would have been very well paid.
Seedy is wasted on trailer parks and rent-by-the-week rooms in motels
that believe sheets ruin the appearance of stained mattresses. Tabloid TV would’ve made me rich white trash. The sleaze is endless…
I’m not just talking giant adult babies here. I’m talking bashful teenage girls and run-of-the-mill
housewives taken out by corrupt adoption agencies, diabolical social workers,
and malicious, ob-gyn nurses. I’m
talking light-bulb-over-head style interrogations; smarmy detectives; stalking;
and surveillance of invalids in nursing homes.
Throw in the questionable politicians and the jackbooted nuns...(sigh)…I
could’ve been somebody. Alas, it’s too
late for regrets.
But life does have its rewards. I’ve proven that I have the power and the talent to drive new business right through the double doors of Planned Parenthood offices. It is only fair then that Planned Parenthood upgrades my unofficial status and formally endorses me as THE Planned Parenthood Poster Old Lady. I demand recognition and appropriate compensation, plus future employment as a reality TV icon.
Call me, Planned Parenthood.